Yeah, you on the phone in the next lane…

AT THE RED LIGHT!

(WARNING: expletives are used in the post to follow and severe use of sarcasm, read at your own risk)

Don’t give me that dirty look that says: (all miffed, of course)“Um, uh you’re music is too loud! I can’t hear the person on the other end of my cell phone!”

Well honey, I have my window down because I’m smoking a cigarette, to keep my traffic anxiety down. And the music is up, to keep me occupied, instead of jumping out of the car to tear a new one into every fucking driver behind me tonight, who seem to think stopping two inches behind me is enough room.

I realize you drive an automatic, so you don’t understand, but with a manual (you know the other kind of transmission with what you inept people call a “gear-shifter”) there’s this thing called rollback. I know it’s super hard to understand that when I put it in first gear, especially on a hill, unless I keep my foot fully on the clutch and gas (which would burn my clutch up, SO I DON’T) the car rolls back a little before the gas kicks in to create the uphill forward motion needed to cross the intersection (also known as driving). So please for the sake of your own vehicle (because if I hit you when I roll back, it will actually be your fault for following too closely) leave me some fucking room…..like 3 linear feet at least….NOT 3 inches!!!!

So you, yeah you bitch, on your cell phone (because that phone call is sooooooooo much more important and urgent than you driving safely - and other drivers’ safety from you out on the road) don’t give me that dirty look. You don’t even have room to be looking, Miss law-breaking-using-your-cell-phone-while-driving bitch! GET OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION TO US INNOCENT DRIVERS WHO LET THE PHONE GO TO VOICEMAIL WHILE DRIVING (because we realize focusing on the road in rush hour traffic trumps the calling your girl friend to find out what she’s wearing at the party tonight)!


For full disclosure: I do use my phone once in a great, great while when driving, but 99% of the time I let the call go to voicemail, because I don’t want to cause an accident….besides have you ever tried shifting while on the phone? I don’t have enough arms!